No Respect

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I think the photo says it all. My stupidity is taken advantage of. My ego is massaged and my thoughts, opinions and feelings command No Respect from anyone. And people wonder why I want to end it all.

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Posted in Death, depression, Frustration, life, pain, Relationships, Respect, suicide | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Call me by your name

Call Me by Your Name is a 2007 novel by American writer Andre Aciman about a love affair between an intellectually precocious 17-year-old American-Italian Jewish boy and a visiting 24-year-old American Jewish scholar in 1980s Italy. The novel chronicles their summer romance and the 20 years that follow. It’s now been made into a film and receiving rave reviews and rightly so. It’s a simple, beautiful love story, directed by Luca Guadagnino and written by James Ivory. Set in Northern Italy in 1983, the film stars Timothee Chalamet as  Elio Perlman, the 17-year-old living in Italy, and his father’s American assistant, Oliver played by Armie Hammer.

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Once they part, young Elio is crushed — this is his first love, and knowing the secretive nature of what he had with Oliver, he appears to withdraw almost immediately. Elio’s parents are not idiots. It’s never implied that they see anything going on between Oliver and Elio, but it’s clear that they are close to their son and know him better than anyone else. Elio’s mother tells Elio he can always talk to her, but he doesn’t talk about Oliver. Later, after Oliver has been gone a while, Elio’s father played brilliantly by Michael Stuhlbarg talks to Elio on the couch. He acknowledges that Elio is heartbroken. He validates his pain. And though he doesn’t ask Elio to confirm that he had a relationship with Oliver, he does let Elio know that what he had with Oliver was rare and special and encourages him not to shut himself off after this experience. One of the most moving scenes in the film follows:

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“You had a beautiful friendship,” Mr. Perlman tells Elio. “Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you.” “In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough,” Mr. Perlman says. “But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out, don’t be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

Some could only dream of being greeted with such unbridled love and understanding of who they are by their parents. See this film. It’s a must.

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Dust and Ashes

Is this how I die? ridiculed and laughed at, wearing clown shoes.
Is this how I die? furious and reckless, sick with booze.
How did I live? I taste every wasted minute.
Every time, I turned away from the things that might have healed me.
How long have I been sleeping? Is this how I die?

Frightened like a child, lazy and numb,
Is this how I die? pretending and preposterous, and dumb.
How did I live? Was I kind enough and good enough?
Did I love enough? Did I ever look up
and see the moon, the stars and the sky?
Oh why have I been sleeping?

They say we are asleep, until we fall in love,
We are children of dust and ashes.
But when we fall in love we wake up,
And we are a God and angels weep,
But if I die here tonight I die in my sleep.

All of my life I spent searching the words,
Of poets and saints and prophets and kings.
And now at the end all I know that I’ve learned,
Is that all that I know is I don’t know a thing!

So easy to close off, place the blame outside,
Hiding in my room at night, so terrified.
All the things I could have been,
But I never had the nerve.
Life and love I don’t deserve.

So all right, all right, I’ve had my time,
Close my eyes, let the death bells chime.
Bury me in burgundy, I just don’t care!
Nothing’s left.. I’ve looked everywhere!
Is this how I die?
Was there ever any other way my life could be?
Is this how I die? Such a slough of feelings inside of me.

But then why am I screaming? Why am I shaking?
Oh God, was there something that I missed?
Did I squander my divinity? Was happiness within me the whole time?

They say we are asleep until we fall in love,
And I’m so ready, to wake up now.
I wanna wake up, don’t let me die while I’m like this.
I wanna wake up, God, don’t let me die while I’m like this..
Please let me wake up now, God, don’t let me die while I’m like this!
I’m ready, I’m ready, To wake up…

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Torment

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How much anger or gaslighting can a person take? Is it right to make people question their own memory, perception, and sanity? Is it right to use persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lies against someone? Is it right to attempt to destabilize a person and delegitimize their beliefs? What type of person inflicts that torment and cruelty on another?


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23 Emotions people feel, but can’t explain

  1. Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.
  2. Opia: The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.
  3. Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
  4. Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.
  5. Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.
  6. Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.
  7. Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.
  8. Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.
  9. Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.
  10. Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquillity of being indoors during a thunderstorm.
  11. Vemödalen: The frustration of photographing something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.
  12. Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening.
  13. Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.
  14. Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.
  15. Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.
  16. Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.
  17. Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.
  18. Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.
  19. Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.
  20. Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.
  21. Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.
  22. Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.
  23. Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.
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All of Them

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They Laugh at you 

They Lie to you

They Use you

They Shout at you

They get Angry at you

They Belittle you

They Betray you

They’re all the same, every last one of them.

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Dust and Ashes

Some days, it’s important to let your heart bleed. Pain often connects us to our strength, so let it burn with faith that things may just get better. At least that’s what we should think. It’s hard though when you feel that those in your life do not respect you and don’t treat you as valuable or worthwhile. I thought I had stopped feeling suicidal over a year ago but I have been experiencing a growing sense of hopelessness and worthlessness for some time again. These thoughts are completely consuming me, making me feel like I have no control over my own body. You think you can bury all those troubles and woes and secrets that can’t be fixed or dealt with by various psychologists or psychiatrists. But the people that mock you, maltreat you, ignore you, lie to you and treat you far worse than others, continue their offensive to isolate and humiliate you.

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Of course their own guilt, ignorance and unwillingness to accept that they have made you this way are issues they refuse to face. A brother who denies he is an alcoholic and a drug addict and shies away from facing up to what a lifetime of damage his drunken behaviour has caused. A brother who can only engage socially by making fun of others, using constant criticisms and put downs, insults and jibes and never ending gas lighting. A brother who is emotionally stunted, who has never fully developed or matured emotionally and is characterized by a low degree of self awareness, awkward interactions with other people and a complete lack of empathy and an inability to achieve intimacy.

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A brother with a nasty streak that runs so deep he only sees it as humour. A brother who can take any argument, blame and irresponsibility and turn it all on another person and accuse them of the very things he is guilty of. A brother who has caused constant worry, panic, distress, fear, anger and disruption to his family through out the years and continues to do so.  A brother who may choose not to remember the vile behaviour and acts he has put his younger brother through. Except the younger brother has not forgot. He remembers it all. Every last dirty little secret. Every insult. Every instant of being shamed. Every single act of having his life reduced to a timid existence of nothingness. Every two faced act of treachery behind his younger brothers back. Every instant of being made out to be a bad person to other family members. Every instant of bullying and emotional abuse. Every instant of being forced into isolation or loneliness. And currently the acts of making the younger brother feel unwanted, useless and unneeded.

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Having one older brother should be a relationship of shared love and respect and of protecting one another. But instead both his actions and in-actions have left me on a cliff edge, with a mind and a heart tortured by hatred, anger, shame, rejection and isolation. I used to be afraid to take my own life, but when you way up all the options you actually do become less afraid of the possibility of getting away out of reach from the horrible people in your life such as a narcissist of a brother. Being related to someone who has narcissistic personality disorder is a bit like living in an alternate reality where I am expected to accept whatever the narcissist says as true, even when it is obviously wrong.

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Narcissists insist that you accept all their opinions as absolute truth.  Even if you are clear in the beginning about the difference between reality and what you are being asked to accept, after a while most people begin to get too tired or afraid of the narcissists anger to keep correcting them.  It is a small step from there to actually beginning to doubt your own perceptions. I don’t doubt only my perceptions but my whole life and the pathetic figure of a man I have become.  I have become a child of dust and ashes on a downward spiral again. Can anyone save me this time?

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